


Uric the Oddball's Fantastic Adventures

by Ariana Deralte (ArianaDeralte), ArianaDeralte



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Adventure, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-10
Updated: 2009-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-04 07:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArianaDeralte/pseuds/Ariana%20Deralte, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArianaDeralte/pseuds/ArianaDeralte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haven't you ever wondered about a wizard named Uric the Oddball? Dead badgers, tea cozies and time turners. Oh my. Discontinued.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Tale of Two Toes

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been imported 'as is' from ff.net. Since it's discontinued, I have no inclination to go through and edit all the notes out, so please enjoy it as is.
> 
> This fic is for all who read HP&amp;SS, got to page 133 and wondered to them selves, "Who in the world is Uric the Oddball?" Further hints by Rowling have of course revealed that he liked dead badgers and strange birds. Be that as it may, he and any other HP characters he encounters do not belong to me. They belong to Rowling and I do not make any money off them. *takes a bow*
> 
> For those who read my other stories, this Uric is an AU of all my other Uric the Oddball stories.

            All words in italics are Uric's thoughts. ***** indicates a scene/point of view change.

*****

            It was a square room. It had four walls, a floor and even a ceiling. However, it lacked a door, making it slightly abnormal – much like its' occupant. Though if you asked the rest of the wizarding world, slightly didn't cover it.

            That perhaps explained why the occupant of the room was posing in the nude with a soggy tea cozy on his head. Or perhaps not…

*****

            Uric debated to himself the wisdom of putting on some socks. On one hand, it was cold. On the other, he still wasn't sure which body part they went on. _At least the tea cozy is right. _He gazed at his toes. _I wonder if they ever want to leave? Perhaps I should ask them…_

"CHEESE!!!" bellowed a voice right in front of him. The echoes would have been deafening to anyone who didn't sleep with fifty Augurey's in their room. Uric abandoned his toes to their own devices and looked up at his visitor.

            The man was average height, with hazel eyes. His hair looked like a drunken elephant had cut it. That is, if elephants could use scissors one would have cut it. _He seems handsome enough, though perhaps I should ask for a second opinion._ The man was stark naked and wearing a soggy tea cozy. He didn't have any socks.

            Uric was sure he had seen him somewhere…

The man clasped his shoulders.

            "Uric! It's me. I'm you. Or perhaps I should say, it's you and I'm me?"

            "That's nice," said Uric Number 1. "Do you know the capital of Prussia?"

            "No."

            "Ahh. Then you must be me. It's good to see you. Or is that me?" Uric was getting confused, or at least more confused than usual.

            "Look," said the Uric who had just appeared. "I'll be Uric Number 1 and you be Uric Number 2."

            "But I want to be Uric Number 1," said the first Uric petulantly. Uric shrugged. He had learned a long time ago not to argue with himself.

            "Okay," he said, "I'll be Uric 2." Uric1 was happy then and went back to looking at his toes. Uric2 starred at him, a puzzled expression slowly placing itself piece by piece on his face.

            "I have something for you," he said slowly. Uric1 looked up.

            "Oh goody. It better be that gnome tea party set I always wanted." Uric2 looked sympathetic. After all, he'd always wanted it too.

            "Unfortunately, no. Not unless there's one hidden in the corner behind you." Uric1 turned to look, giving Uric2 the time he needed to renew his sense of purpose.

            "Listen Uric1. I found this!" He held up a glittering golden object that Uric1 tentatively identified as either a time turner or a seasick golden snitch. "In that corner." Uric2 pointed to the corner behind him. "After about ten minutes I made up my mind to come back here and give it to my earlier self so you could escape." Uric1 stared at himself, than decided to look at Uric2 instead. A random thought about hippogriffs and salami floated across his mind. There was something obvious they were missing…

            "Uhm, Uric2, why don't you just free yourself?" Uric2 stared at him in astonishment, and then clapped him on the shoulder.

            "I'm brilliant! All right, you stay here and look in the corner in front of you after I leave. I'll see you later." Uric2 disappeared with a twist of the turner.

            Uric1 sat pondering the alliteration of that last sentence for a very long time. Eventually, he got up and found the time turner but first he looked carefully in the corner behind him for the gnome tea party set. Just in case.

*****

Seeing as Uric is limited by neither time nor space in his adventures, if there is anyone you are particularly dying for Uric to meet. Let me know and I will attempt to arrange it.

Next Part: Uric discovers a startling truth about time turners: they don't taste good with mustard. I'm hoping the dead badgers will make a cameo at some point as well.

Please review, oh kind and gentle readers.


	2. The Cheese That Time Forgot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The Daily Prophet, September 5, 1690._

The Oddball Strikes Again

_The Daily Prophet, September 5, 1690._

By Jullian Hargraves

            Yesterday in Cornwall, Uric "the Oddball" Beaufolle was brought before the Wizard's Council on charges of gross magical negligence involving a dragon, an old hag and a couple of hapless muggles. According to Olena Tadelesh, the respected old hag who witnessed it all, (Olena is well known for her invention of the new and improved Restoration Potion), she was selling some muggles a simple Fertility potion when she heard a great commotion outside. "I thought it was a Knarl trying to get at my turnips again. My good for nothing nephew is always trying to feed the blasted thing. I told the muggles to get out so I could shoo it away and then the house caught fire."

Olena managed to escape and found the muggles pinned against the garden wall by a Hebridean Black. On the dragon's back (a painful position due to the spikes) was a man, later identified as Uric Beaufolle, known as the Oddball, ever since an incident involving a puffskein, a broken toothbrush and an Engorgement charm. Uric appeared to be attempting to ride the dragon but was being foiled at every turn by its' sharp spine ridges and teeth. This prompted an astonishing occurrence. In the words of Olena Tadelesh, "The Black twisted around and bit the man hard on the arm, refusing to let go. He seemed to freeze in fear. But then, the man reached behind him, grasped the dragon's tail and bit down on it hard. He was thrown thirty feet into the air and landed on my sage bushes!" At that point, a task force from the Wizard's Council arrived and was able to subdue the Hebridean Black with a minimum of injuries. The muggles, of course, had their memories obliviated. Uric was still sequestered with the Council at the time of this publication. His motivations are unknown.

Never Tickle A Sleeping Dragon

_The Daily Prophet, September 6, 1690._

By Eustace Kebrides

Uric "the Oddball" Beaufolle was brought before the Council today on charges of gross magical negligence. Uric has been fined 1000 galleons and has been ordered to pay for any damage to Olena Tadelesh's garden and house. He was fined after he let a dragon invade her house and endangered the lives of Olena and some of her muggle customers. Uric also faced a three month sentence in Azkaban, which was waived on the idea that "It wouldn't make any difference in his case." - Council Member Neal Cambert. Discussions on what to do should Uric step out of line again have been heated and furious. Uric alone has been responsible for over thirty-five different magical violations. The Daily Prophet will report, should a decision ever be reached.

This star reporter was able to discover the reasons for Uric's actions in Cornwall two days ago. Some unfortunate soul reminded Uric of the Hogwart's motto, _Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus_. Uric took this advice to heart. Instead, he went to tickle a dragon that was _not_ sleeping. How he ended up all the way down in Cornwall with a Hebridean Black has yet to be determined. As for the biting of the dragon, Uric's only comment was, "It bit me first!" The Daily Prophet was unable to reach Alastair Beaufolle, Uric's father and former Council Member, for a comment on his son's behavior.

*****

            The Forbidden Forest is a well known feature of the Hogwarts experience. None but the bravest, or those serving detention may enter without being mauled to death by horrible and ghastly creatures that, no doubt, have long and unpronounceable names. (This conspiracy of Hogwart's teachers, that sends their most troublesome students into a dangerous forest in the care of a single adult who splits them into groups, is well documented.)

            Very few know that Albus Dumbledore takes a walk through the forest every week in order to meet Old Granny Hag, who sells moonshine (3 knuts a swig and 1 galleon a bottle) and lives in a gnarled old trunk left behind by one of the students. However, it is best to leave Albus to his drink and move on to the well known adventures who dare the Forbidden Forest monthly. Namely, Moony, Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail…

*****

            _What a pretty birdy._ Uric stared in fascination at a little bird sitting on the knob of a tree. It was bright purple, with brilliant neon orange stripes running down its down. It was chattering happily at him out of a decidedly green beak.

            "Hello little fellow. Do you want to come home with me? I have over a hundred birds and every one was alive and well last time I checked." The bird cocked its' head to the side, then warbled something at him. _I wish I could talk to birds._

            "Alright then." Uric came closer, intending to gently cup the bird in his hands. There was a loud groaning. The bark of the tree split down the middle, and out darted a head that vaguely resembled a turtle's. If turtles had thirty or so razor sharp incisors and glistening black horns. Attached to a little rod in front of its' head was a little purple and orange bird, complete with a green beak. The turtle thing snapped at him.

            Uric took a step back and looked up, wondering where the little bird had gone. _Maybe it lives with the tree…ugh, but what would their children be like?_

            "If trees could fly…"

            "Of course they can. That's what broomsticks are for. You better step further away from that Ornitholamphus. Nasty buggers." Uric turned toward the source of the voice and was surprised to find someone standing there. Usually, the voices in his head didn't have bodies as well.

            It was a boy, perhaps sixteen, with dark shaggy hair and black eyes to match. He was in that gangly stage of teenagehood that made his body look like it was trying to play catchup to his height. He was grinning widely at Uric with a smile most people reserved for deranged lunatics and complete and utter oddballs. Uric thought that was the way everyone smiled. _Perhaps this isn't a voice in my head._

            "My name is Sirius Black. Who are you and what are you doing in the Forbidden Forest this late?" The sun had almost set and the forest was now bathed in twilight.

            "A better question Padfoot, would be why is he naked and wearing a tea cozy on his head?" said a voice off to Uric's left. Yet another teenager stood there. He had unruly black hair and blue eyes that glinted in the rising moonlight. Uric wished he had a mirror. _My tea cozy must be crooked._

"Why he _is_ naked Prongs. I hadn't noticed," said the first boy. Prongs ignored him.

"I'm James Potter by the way. And you are?" The boy offered his hand and Uric kissed it. _I seem to remember people doing that somewhere._ Then he bowed and tipped his tea cozy to both of them.

            "Uric Beaufolle. You wouldn't happen to have any socks would you? I don't like the way my toes are looking at me." He said the last in a whisper, just in case his toes were listening. A howl split the forest, but both boys didn't seem to notice.

            "Uric. Now why does that seem familiar?" said James. The one called Sirius was grinning.

            "Uric, Prongs. As in Uric the Oddball, one of the weirdest wizards in history."

            "I thought he lived in the late 1600's."

            "He did." They both turned to look at him.

            "What's that in your hand, Uric?" Uric looked down.

            "Air I suppose. Perhaps some dirt." James Potter sighed.

            "Your other hand Uric."

            "Oh that's my time turner. Uric number 2 told me where to find it." They both looked shocked.

            "Look, Uric," said James, "You shouldn't be wandering about time. There's laws strictly prohibiting it. If they catch you, they'll lock you up and throw away the key." Uric looked sad.

            " But they already did that. In fact, they threw away the door as well."

            "I wish Remus were here. He did that extra credit essay on him for History of Magic last year. Maybe then we'd know what he's talking about," complained Sirius. James shook his head.

            "One thing I do remember about Uric is that they used to do a brisk business outside his front door selling non-befuddlement charms to all his visitors." Another howl split the forest, this time much closer. The boys exchanged looks and came to some sort of conclusion.

            "Uric, you need to get out of the forest. There's a werewolf wandering around. Were safe because were animagi but you could be in trouble."

            "That's okay. I'm an animagus too. I can turn into a badger." They looked at him skeptically.

            "Watch," he said, then concentrated really hard. He crouched down, willing his other form to come out. James and Sirius watched as he got down on all fours and began to make what they hoped were badger noises.

            "Uhm, Uric," said Sirius, understanding why they might have locked Uric up. "Your still in your human form." Uric looked at them. It took awhile for understanding to dawn in his eyes but he finally stood up.

            "Guess it didn't work this time. Do you want to see my impression of a dead badger?"

            "No!" they both said in unison. After a moment, James decided to have another go at convincing him.

            "Uric, you need to take the time turner and go to a different time. There you can turn yourself in and get yourself some clothing."

            "Promise us you'll get some clothing," said Sirius. Uric cocked his head at them, looking remarkably like the bird he'd been admiring earlier.

            "You mean I can't eat it?"

            "Eat what?" said James with some trepidation.

            "This pretty golden thing in my hand."

            "NO!" James bellowed, then visibly calmed himself. The howls were getting closer.

            "A time turner isn't food. It does not taste good with mustard, cheese or any other type of condiment."

            "How about jam?"

            "No."

            "Butter?"

            "Uric…Just take the time turner and leave!" James hated to do this. It was like kicking a dog but Uric was going to be hurt if he stayed. Uric gave them a pitiful look.

            "I don't know how to use it," he said in a small voice.

            "How did you get here – nevermind. Look just turn it this way to go forward in time and the other way to go back. The more you turn it, the further in time you'll travel."

            "Where should I go?"

            "Wherever you want to so long as you never come back to the 1970's again. Good luck Uric." The two boys turned into a dog and a deer respectively and bounded off into the forest. Uric stared after them for a long moment. His stomach growled. He spun the time turner on its' chain and disappeared into history.

*****

Well, what do you think? I'm going to keep putting excerpts from Uric's early years at the front of the chapters. Next chapter: We learn something about his family, Uric gets some food and meets some more people who probably wish he had never found a time turner. Maybe I'll start one of those plot thingies too.


	3. Uric the Oddball's Fantastic Adventures How Much is That Puffskein in the Window?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: For those of you who don't take French, beaux (m.) means beautiful while folle (f.) means crazy, so Uric's last name literally means beautiful crazy. In the older form of the name I use below, I attempted to use Latin (gosh, I'm taking this all so seriously:) bellus means beautiful and demens means insane. I don't take Latin so it's probably wrong. Blame the English-Latin dictionary.

A/N: For those of you who don't take French, beaux (m.) means beautiful while folle (f.) means crazy, so Uric's last name literally means beautiful crazy. In the older form of the name I use below, I attempted to use Latin (gosh, I'm taking this all so seriously:) bellus means beautiful and demens means insane. I don't take Latin so it's probably wrong. Blame the English-Latin dictionary.

There are footnotes in the first excerpt from Uric's biography. They are shown by (#) next to a point of interest. Tell me if you think I put in too many. As always, Uric's thoughts are in italics. Other than that, enjoy.

*****

Uric Beaufolle: A Closer Look at the Oddball

A biography by Radolphus Pittiman.

p. 2, an excerpt

            Was there a history of madness in the Beaufolle family? What sort of bloodlines produced the notorious Oddball? The Beaufolle's have a long and historic bloodline dating back to the foundation of Gaul. There the Beaufolle forbearer's were druids, providing both the muggle and wizarding world with their expertise.

            When Caesar invaded Gaul and called for the deaths of the druids, the Beaufolles(1), were some of the first to relocate to Britannia. Once there, they continued to prosper. One of the most well known of Uric's ancestors from this time is Delvia Beauxfolle(2), the mystic and seer who predicted one of the great goblin raids of the ninth century.

            In 1128, Ulric Beauxfolle(3) was the first Beaufolle to serve as head of the Wizard's Council. His son, Magnus, was to follow after him in the post. A Beaufolle did not hold the seat again until 1611 when Janus Beaufolle(4) ruled with an iron wand for over thirty years. It must not be overlooked that a Beaufolle has sat on the Council, if not at the head for over 700 years, until the Council's disbanding in 1726.

            The Beaufolle's were well known for their abilities as problems solvers, disciplinarians and businessmen. They were careful to maintain the integrity of the Beaufolle bloodlines when other wizarding families were relaxing their standards. They would have been very shocked at how easily Uric shattered this reputation.

Footnotes:

1\. Known as the Belladems at the time.

2\. It was only later that the Beaufolle's dropped the telltale 'x' in their surname.

3\. Uric's namesake. For more on why they dropped the 'l' , see page 17.

4\. Uric's grandfather.

*****

A Few Things That Bother Me

By Salumius Extercrabble

p. 11,283, an excerpt

            I was reading that antiquated text, Uric Beaufolle: A Closer Look at the Oddball by my esteemed colleague, Radolphus Pittiman - the only wizard in the world who could make a life like Uric's sound boring. Be that as it may, I became particularly interested in the chapter detailing Uric's bloodlines and the lack of insanity in his family. I invite my colleague to now examine my revised family tree of Uric the Oddball and remind him that the Beaufolles married often into other pureblood families. It is in these that we find evidence of insanity.

            The first of the Beaufolle family to show signs of mental instability was Trillium the Vengeful. He was disowned in later years, which is probably how my colleague missed him. Trillium was one of the druids who refused to leave Gaul. Instead, he resolved to haunt Julius Caesar and drive him mad in revenge for his mother's death at the hands of Caesar's druid seekers. Trillium's plan was largely unsuccessful, the only record of it being Caesar's own inaccurate accounts of the 'bloodthirsty' druids. Trillium himself was driven insane by his own attempts. A bout of maniacal laughter during a demon summoning ended his life and lives of nearly everyone within a five kilometers radius.

            This was not the last insane relative of Uric's. Delvia Beauxfolle's half sister, Melfina Malfoy, was well known for her eccentricities. She had two distinct personalities. The other personality being Lulu Malfoy, a two year old who threw tantrums every time someone said the word 'wand'. Her prime personality, Melfina, was just as insane. She decided one day that she was a duck. For nearly two years, she refused to leave a pond outside the Beauxfolle Manor and answered all questions with 'quack'. For an excellent biography of Melfina, the reader would do well to consult "A Pure-blooded Duck" by Ivan Moleskivy.

            Further research has turned up Uric's relation, through various bloodlines, to Wendelin the Weird (well known for her love of being burned at the stake, though not so well known for her love of toasted cheese), Aedan the Addled (responsible for the infamous House Elf Incident of 1411) and Quirky Quimble the Quick (famous Quidditch player and downright loon). These are the more famous of the Beaufolle family tree to show signs of insanity. For a full diagram, please see the family tree on pages 11,285 – 11,289.

*****

            London during 1944 was a wonderful place to live in. This was, of course, if you discounted the blackouts, food shortages, bombings, rampant radar balloons, robberies and general disorder of the city at the time. Things weren't much better in the countryside, but at least there you didn't have to worry about your neighbour's house falling down on yours. This was generally because your neighbour lived miles away.

            In Diagon Alley, life was just as grim. Latest rumour told that Grindelwald had joined forces with Hitler and was planning on a mass extermination of the wizard's who opposed him. Consequently, very few wizards were about and many of the shops were closed indefinitely. Most passer-by decided therefore, that the naked man, wearing a tea cosy and strolling down the street, was definitely a hallucination.

*****

            Uric wandered down the alleyway, his attention completely focused on the time turner in his hands. The time trip seemed to have cleared his thoughts. Those boys had told him how to work it, but something must be wrong with it. He should be travelling only through time, not space.

            He shook the time turner and found himself twenty paces further down the street. Well, no matter. He had promised to get clothing and Diagon Alley, in any age, was the perfect place to do it. _I always loved coming here._ He laughed and did a little dance in the street. _It's good to be free._

            A blast shook the street and the few wizards outside, ducked for cover. Diagon Alley was magically enchanted not to be affected by the bombings in the Muggle world, but most wizards preferred to be inside when the bombings started. Uric, of course, took no notice.

            He continued to wander down the street. _I need clothes. Socks. Pretty, little socks. Socks for me and socks for you…_ His attention was drawn to a shop window showing various garments, including a large basket filled with multicoloured socks. Uric leaned against the window, practically drooling. _It looks like my sock room back home._

            "So many colours," he whispered.

            "They are rather pretty aren't they? I prefer ones with patterns myself. I have a delightful pair my aunt gave me with tap dancing hippogriffs on it." Uric turned around, hoping the voice was real. It wasn't often he met people who loved socks like he did.

            "Were they wool? I love a room full of thick wool socks." Uric looked expectantly at the man in front of him. He was about the same height as Uric but had red hair and light blue eyes. He was smiling at Uric in a friendly sort of way.

            "I've always been rather partial to wool myself, what with living in a castle and all," he said. Uric leaned in closer to the man.

            "I need them you see. My toes have been looking at me funny. I need to get them covered before they decide they don't like me," Uric said confidentially. The red haired man nodded in understanding.

            "Perhaps you should get clothing too. You never know what your elbows are thinking," he suggested. A look of alarm crossed Uric's face before he nodded in agreement. Slowly a smile spread across his face. _Here is a man who understands me._ He stuck out his hand.

            "I'm Uric Beaufolle." The man took his hand, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

            "Albus Dumbledore. Would you like to join me for a cup of tea? After we get your clothing of course." Uric was overjoyed.

            "Can we have cheese?" he asked.

            "We can have anything you want Uric." They entered the shop, sending the young witch tending the store into a fit of giggles. She was unable to stop giggling. On Albus' suggestion, she sent for the older witch in the back of the shop. The older witch, a Madame Malkin (the sixth of her name) immediately disapproved of the naked man in her shop. She disapproved even more when she found out he didn't have any money.

            "You don't have any money? How about a wand?" asked Albus.

            "No money, but a wand…" Uric reached up and took the tea cosy off his head. His wand. Hazel and unicorn hair. Nine inches. Stretchy and pliable. Good for…he couldn't remember, but Ollivander had been very excited. Uric was more excited about the pliableness of it. He was probably the only wizard who could bend his wand in half.

            The wand was folded in the top of the tea cosy. He took it out and shook it. The tip drooped a little, but that was normal. A spray of feathers fluttered out of it. It had been a long time. Uric put the tea cosy back on his head.

            "Nobody wanted to search it you see. They didn't even ask me where my wand was," Uric said. Madame Malkin was whispering urgently in Albus' ear.

            "Albus. What are you doing with this man? He's obviously batty and dangerous too."

            "He's no more dangerous than any wizard and if he's who I think he is, it's important for us to take care of him," said Dumbledore firmly.

            "I take it you're paying for his robes then?"

            "Much as it affects my lowly Transfiguration teacher salary, yes," he said. Madame Malkin didn't even smile at the jest.

            "I want nothing more to do with this Albus," she said. So, Uric and Dumbledore wandered the store, choosing undergarments, pre-fit robes and most importantly, socks, with minimal interference from Madame Malkin.

            They bought the clothing and Uric put it on in the shop, at Albus' suggestion. Albus then led Uric out of the shop before Madame Malkin hexed them.

            "How does the Leaky Cauldron sound, Uric?"

            "Is it still here in this time then? They banned me from coming back you know. They blamed me for burning it down that time, though it was the salamander's that did it."

            "And were you playing with the salamanders?" asked Dumbledore. Uric was hurt by the suggestion.

            "No. Everyone blames weird things on me, but mother always said not to play with dangerous creatures and I said I wouldn't."

            "I seem to remember something about you and a dragon…" Dumbledore trailed off at the look on Uric's face.

            "That's why mum asked me to stay away from dangerous creatures."

            "You're mother sounds like a wise woman. I'm sorry for implying that you caused the fire, Uric. Forgive me?" Uric considered the request. It wasn't often that people asked his forgiveness. _Albus__ is a sock fan…_

            "It's okay. At least you believe me." There was bitterness in Uric's voice. Albus gave him a sidelong glance.

            "Are you really insane, Uric?" Uric looked at Albus. He didn't understand.

            "Insane? Everyone always tells me I'm insane…I just want to tend to my birds and see all the beautiful things in the world."

            "I hope you succeed." Albus' eyes were sad. "If only everyone had such magnificent goals." He became lost in thought and Uric didn't interrupt him. He was quite content to explore his thoughts about the mating habits of cauldrons. _Why are some of them born with three feet and some with four?_

*****

Next Chapter: Uric and Dumbledore have tea, we learn Uric's favorite color scheme and something rather odd happens - the plot rears its ugly head. Mwahaha…*ahem* Thanks to all my reviewers. Now review more! As a side note, does anyone else think that Michael Vartan (Lancelot in the Mists of Avalon and that teacher in Never Been Kissed) would make a good Remus? Just wondering…


	4. Professors, Innkeepers and Secret Agents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The zucchini's are mine! Everything else probably belongs to Rowling in some way or another. James Bond's name belongs to someone else too.

A/N: The zucchini's are mine! Everything else probably belongs to Rowling in some way or another. James Bond's name belongs to someone else too.

            I've forgone the historical excerpt for this chapter since it was long enough as is and I was having trouble thinking of a short one. Uric's thoughts are once again in italics but at one point Dumbledore jumps in and does so as well. Don't know how it happened but Dumbledore took over the chapter, so it's mostly from his point of view. Why does spell check have a problem with the name Albus?

            Also, I am starting a new Uric story about his years at Hogwarts. It shouldn't interfere any with this story and should be up soon. I'll tell you guys when.

*****

            The Leaky Cauldron had stood in the same place for over a thousand years. During the Goblin Raids of 1561, it was somehow transmuted into a giant cactus and sent to the Nairobi Desert but other than that it has been in the same place. In fact, it was rumoured that the location of the Leaky Cauldron was the reason why London was built where it was. Muggles of course, never visit the Leaky Cauldron. Instead they would see the fantastic Dustbin Emporium, perpetually closed for the holidays.

            It has been destroyed many times in its history. Smashed by giants, rampaged by hippogriffs, devastated by demons – the Leaky Cauldron's seen it all. Of course, Uric Beaufolle is the only one of these creatures to have been banned for life.

*****

            They entered the Leaky Cauldron and took a table near the wall. A server came over and took their order. Tea, some biscuits and a sandwich with cheese for Uric. He still refused to take the tea cosy off his head, but after a few strange looks, the other patrons ignored him.

            Suddenly, Uric whipped out his wand and cast a spell that turned everything, including people's faces, a lurid green with pink spots. Dumbledore watched, amused. The other patrons were not so happy.

            "That's better," said Uric. The proprietor was heading for them, his face turning a darker shade of green with anger.

            "JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Uric looked at him blankly. _Perhaps I should have made the dots purple._

            "CHANGE IT BACK! NOW!!" Uric looked down at his floppy wand and back at the innkeeper. His pink dots were throbbing luminescently.

            "Do you like zucchini?" he asked.

            "NO! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?" Uric grinned a grin that made the innkeeper step out of his personal space, for fear of catching the insanity.

            "That's good because zucchini's will kill us all. Everyone who ate zucchini in the 1400's is dead." The innkeeper stared open mouthed, his anger lost somewhere in the river of Uric's insanity.

            "But everyone who ate anything in the 1400's is dead," the innkeeper protested.

            "That's the brilliance of their plan you see? They make it seem like it's all types of food that kill people but it's really just zucchini. I tried to tell my father but he wouldn't listen. I suspect they already got to him." Uric shook his head sadly. "Why must so many people throw their lives away over a green vegetable that resembles a hung over cucumber?" The innkeeper took a couple more steps back, than appealed to Dumbledore.

            "Will you change it back Mr. Dumbledore?" he asked. Albus looked from him to Uric.

            "Can you change it back?" Albus asked Uric. "You don't want to be banned again." Uric sighed. He raised his wand and changed it all back to the boring everyday colours. _So much for variety…_ The innkeeper walked back to his bar, glaring at Uric from afar. He would have thrown him out, but Dumbledore was well respected in wizarding circles. Many even said he was one of the few wizards with a chance of bringing down Grindelwald. Pity he was wasting himself teaching Transfiguration at Hogwarts. His glare slowly shifted to Dumbledore.

            Albus disregarded the stare of the innkeeper and began the questioning he had wanted to begin, ever since he saw Uric sock shopping.

            "Uric. Uric!" Albus had to pull the wizard's attention away from watching the clock on the wall tick.

            "What are you doing in this time, Uric?"

            "Getting clothing and food, like the boys said."

            "Who said?" asked Albus.

            "James and Sirius. They showed me how to use the time turner," said Uric happily.

            "May I see it, Uric?" The food and tea arrived.

            "See what?"

            "The time turner." Albus was beginning to understand why people found it so tiring to talk to Uric.

            "You're not going to eat it are you? James said not to. Not even with mustard." Albus began to wonder just who this James was that Uric had been talking to.

            "I promise I won't eat it, or dunk it in my tea for that matter," he said carefully. Uric handed him the turner and began to eat his sandwich, mumbling something about cheese.

            Albus regarded the small golden time turner. There was definitely something off about it. How had Uric survived such a long trip in time? Where was the turner's chain? How could…

            "Don't shake it," said Uric suddenly, just as a passing server jostled Albus' elbow, causing his hand to shake. He found himself outside the Leaky Cauldron and wandered back in with a bemused expression on his face. He handed the time turner back to Uric who slipped it in his pocket.

            "Does it go to whichever time you want, besides moving you in space?"

            "I don't know. I don't like knowing my destination until after I get there," said Uric. Albus gave Uric his best teacher look.

            "You have to go back to your own time, Uric. If you turn in the time turner, I'm sure that they'll just fine you." Uric gave him a look that clearly said Albus was insane.

            "They locked me up, Albus. No doors, no magic, no birds, no badgers and no socks. They said it was forever. I like being free Albus. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Why did Father let them do this?"

            "I think," Dumbledore paused to consider his words. He couldn't tell Uric the future without compromising the past, but the past was already compromised if Uric didn't go back. "I think they let you go, Uric." Uric looked up from where he'd been drawing smiley faces with drops of water on the table.

            "You think," he repeated, his hazel-eyes suddenly penetrating and very, very bright. The question he'd asked less than a half hour before flashed through Albus' mind. _Are you really insane, Uric?_

            "Uric…" he started. Abruptly, Uric broke off his stare and laughed. Without warning he reached out and grabbed Albus' beard, pulling him close, so their faces were inches apart. Albus' hand went to his wand, but he didn't draw it.

            "I once had a flying mattress. Beautiful creature. Of course, it did have a couple of accidents on the hearthrug, but other than that it was very well trained. She died one day, after she saw the ducks go into the pond and followed them. I had to fish out her water logged carcass and bury her in the garden." Uric looked off into space, remembering that not so fateful day. Albus relaxed slightly, realizing the danger had passed.

            "Perhaps you could let go of my beard then?" he asked politely. Uric gave a delighted laugh, as if he'd just noticed that he was holding Albus' beard. Eventually, he let the beard go, but not before the auburn mass was divided into several neat braids by Uric's surprisingly nimble fingers and tied off with multicoloured ribbons, conjured by Uric's wand. Albus endured it with dignity, pretending that having someone braid his beard was an everyday occurrence.

            The patrons of the Leaky Cauldron were now staring openly at them, while the innkeeper had progressed from glaring to openly staring down his wand at them. Uric had managed to finish his sandwich and the entire contents of the salt and pepper shakers. Albus had just managed to hide the sugar bowl. He decided enough was enough and beckoned the proprietor over to pay for the meal. How was he going to convince Uric to go back to his own time?

            Unfortunately, the decision was taken from him. As they walked out the door into the alleyway behind the Leaky Cauldron, they were accosted by the strangest wizard either of them had ever seen, which was saying something since both of them had mirrors.

            His robes were the customary jet black with a strange white collar and a black bow tie. He had a hood pulled up to hide his hair. Covering his eyes was a large pair of sunglasses, though Albus knew them as aviator glasses. In his mouth was a strange plastic device that those from the later twentieth century would identify as a red snorkel.

            The man pulled the snorkel out of his mouth and examined it, before using his wand to transfigure it into a red cigar. He might have muttered something about 'those damn kids' but Albus wasn't sure. The man lit the cigar and placed it back in his mouth.

            "Which of you is…never mind. Uric, right?" He had noticed the tea cosy. Uric just nodded. He could see his face in the man's glasses.

            "We need to talk – in private," he said. Albus didn't like this.

            "Wait. Who are you?" he demanded. The man dragged on his cigar and blew a smoke ring. He did not offer his hand.

            "You can call me Bond. James Bond." He obviously paused for effect, but getting nothing from his audience, continued. "I'm an agent for the Department of Mysteries. It's important that I talk to Uric here." With that he put his arm around Uric's shoulder and led him off. Albus watched them go. Surely the department would sort it out, but then, why did he feel so queasy? He shook his head and began the long task of un-braiding his beard, resolving to go home tonight and read A Closer Look at the Oddball.

He should have read it a long time ago.

*****

Next Chap: Bond and Uric talk. Uric visits a very special house at a very special time. Will Uric be renamed Uric the Destroyer? Will the dead badgers appear? Will the zucchini take over? And coming sometime soon, the incident and trial that got Uric locked up in the first place.

Review or I'll sic my pet turtle, Bob the Bloodthirsty on you.


	5. Shaken, Not Stirred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: By this point, I'm sure everyone has noticed the other Uric story is up. Right, anyway, I'd like to apologize for taking so long on this new chapter. I got occupied by the other Uric story, and then I got the older Uric stuck in a time paradox…I had to think for a long time to get him out of it. You'll see what I mean…

A/N: By this point, I'm sure everyone has noticed the other Uric story is up. Right, anyway, I'd like to apologize for taking so long on this new chapter. I got occupied by the other Uric story, and then I got the older Uric stuck in a time paradox…I had to think for a long time to get him out of it. You'll see what I mean…

*****

The Trial of Uric the Oddball: Excerpt One

Orpheus Bludderdon: Uric Beaufolle you are charged with seven counts of indecent use of magic. Twelve counts of displaying magic in a non-appropriate –

Uric Beaufolle: Non appropriate?

Alastair Beaufolle: He means you used magic in front of muggles, Uric.

Orpheus Bludderdon: Ahem. You are also charged with thirteen different counts of gross magical negligence. I am obligated to ask you if you have a statement for the council before we proceed with the trial.

Uric Beaufolle: May your children flower up normally and may you dance naked in a shower of teaspoons.

(Archivist's note: There is a long silence in the recording.)

Orpheus Bludderdon: Who is defending him this time?

Neal Cambert: No one. Mallius has retired to a nice place in the country and told us not to call upon his services again, and Rachel is in St. Mungo's.

Chester Forthwright: Surely not because-

Neal Cambert: No, not because of Uric, though he was the original reason she decided to take a holiday in Africa. Got tangled up with some "medicine men" there apparently…

Orpheus Bludderdon: Isn't there anyone who is willing to defend Uric Beaufolle?

Sylvia Marsters: Not if they value their sanity.

Neal Cambert: If we valued our sanity, we wouldn't be trying him either!

Alastair Beaufolle: He's not contagious Neal, just…confused.

Chester Forthwright: You're his father Alastair, and you always seem to have a blind spot when it comes to him. Uric is a danger to himself and the people around him. Not to mention your reputation. Like son, like father they're saying in the streets.

Sylvia Marsters: And they wouldn't be saying that if you hadn't been saying it first, dear Chester.

Chester Forthwright: Come now Slyvia. Surely you don't believe Uric can take care of himself out there? How many times has he been before this council? How many more times must we deal with him before we come to some sort of decision?

The Trial of Uric the Oddball: Excerpt Two

Orpheus Bludderdon: …and now we come to the heart of the trial. The charge by a Mr. Lamark against Uric Beaufolle. We have asked Mr. Lamark here for his testimony. If you would be so kind as to show him in Starks?

(Archivist's note: There is the sound of a door opening and closing, and chairs shuffling.)

Orpheus Bludderdon: Mr. Lamark, do you recognize the man sitting to your right?

Mr. Lamark: I think I'll remember that face for the rest of my life. Why don't you have that oddball in chains?

Slyvia Marsters: Uric has promised to behave him self. Are you questioning the Council's decision?

Mr. Lamark: No ma'am. It's just that he caused so much havoc that day…

Chester Forthwright: Go on, Mr. Lamark. We are listening.

Mr. Lamark: Well, I was doing my job-

Alastair Beaufolle: And what is your job Mr. Lamark?

Mr. Lamark: I'm one of the caretakers of the Official Aviary for Magical Birds.

Orpheus Bludderdon: Please continue.

Mr. Lamark: It was getting late and I was waiting for Randi to show up and relieve me for the night shift. I thought I heard some noise from inside the main enclosure, so I headed in that direction. When I got closer I was able to make out the sound of someone singing.

Neal Cambert: And what were they singing?

Mr. Lamark: Nonsense Sir. Complete and utter nonsense. He was talking to himself as well, and to all the birds around him. They had gathered around him and were sitting in a circle with him in the middle. Almost as if they were watching him...Then he just went crazy. He started chanting this strange spell and the wind picked up around us. Some of the birds started flapping, squawking and meowing in the case of the Felinocorpe. There was a flash of lightening and the ceiling, the one enchanted to look like the sky, crashed down. I ducked and when I looked up again, the birds were going crazy. Some of them had already disappeared, while some were perched on Uric's arms.

Orpheus Bludderdon: And what was Uric doing?

Mr. Lamark: He was twittering away at them, as if they could understand him. And he had that grin on his face, like the grin he has now. Totally nuts.

Orpheus Bludderdon: And what happened after that?

Mr. Lamark: Well, I called the aurors to take Uric into custody. Then Randi and I – he had shown up near the end of Uric's show – we had to go and find the missing birds. They had taken off to the nearby muggle town and were scaring them to death. We had to pull the Felinocorpe off of one muggle it was enthusiastically purring to death.

Orpheus Bludderdon: According to the report, there were over a hundred cases where muggles needed to be obliviated. Is that right?

Mr. Lamark: It sounds right. My job was just to bring the birds back.

Orpheus Bludderdon: Very well, Mr. Lamark. Thank you for your time.

(Archivist's note: There is once again silence as Mr. Lamark leaves.)

Chester Forthwright: What was the headline that day, "Birds of A Feather Flock Together?"

Slyvia Marsters: Shut up, Chester.

*****

            The Department of Mysteries is the seventh and most obtuse of the magical departments. Their charter claims they were founded in 1377, which is impossible since there were no magical departments up until 1726. This hasn't stopped certain of their members from drawing payrolls for centuries of overtime.

            Due to the high amount of secrecy surrounding the department, very few wizards actually know the truth about what is done there. Even among its' employee's the departments unofficial motto is "Of course, we don't know what we're doing." The official motto of the department has never been revealed.

*****

           

Uric didn't even attempt to get out of the rather tight hold Mr. Bond had on his shoulders. Years of admonishments by his parents had taught him not to resist when the authorities showed up, but inside he was beginning to panic. _They're going to send me back. They're going to send me back._

            Mr. Bond led him back into the Leaky Cauldron, earning a glare from the proprietor for bringing in his least favorite customer. Bond ignored him and took Uric upstairs to a private room. He pulled a chair away from a dresser, gestured for Uric to sit in it and sat down on the bed. Uric looked at the chair, and the chair looked back at him. Neither of them liked what they saw.

            "Uric. What are you doing?" Uric had begun to edge away from the chair, making sure he kept eye contact and didn't blink.

            "That chair doesn't like me." He was now up against the wall.

            "Oh for heaven's sake!" Bond drew his wand and transfigured the chair into an iguana.

            "Are you happy?" Uric nodded.

            "So you want me to sit on the lizard then?" Uric looked at him expectantly. Bond muttered some words that are best left unsaid and transfigured the nightstand into a cushioned chair of a type Uric had never seen before.

            "Sit. Down." Bond said in a flat voice. Uric collapsed into the chair, his panic back in full force.

            "Are you going to take me to the Council now?" Bond stared at him, than made a small sound of exasperation.

            "That's the problem Uric. There is no council. You're about 200 years too late for that." Bond got up and started to pace the room agitatedly gesturing at Uric as he spoke. "Normally, we'd just send you back to your own time and let the proper authorities deal with you, but history records no time travel by Uric the Oddball, and we only learned the truth over 300 years later." Uric had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, but found Mr. Bond's pacing was fascinating to watch. "Now I'm here at one of the confirmed stops on your journey to warn you, just so we don't have a time paradox." Bond shook his head. "Utter nonsense really, but here I am." He paced over to Uric and took a scroll out of his pocket. He cleared his throat and began reading.

            "Uric, listen very carefully and memorize this note. 'Forget about the upside down ducks and do not enter the house! I repeat, do not enter the house! Something bad will happen and you won't be able to get back to your birds, or even your sock collection. Do not enter the house!" Bond was shouting so loudly, the mirror was rattling, causing it to call him some very bad names. Uric noticed Bond's hair seemed to bob in time with his shouts.

            "Uric. Did you just memorize that or were you staring at my hair the whole time?" Bond demanded.

            "Uhm…yes, no and yes." Bond sighed.

            "Just repeat the message back to me Uric, or I'll read it again until you do have it memorized." Uric shrugged and repeated the message back to him verbatim. Bond stared at him, mouth hanging open. Uric shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. His memory was actually very good, when he remembered to turn it on.

            Abruptly, the door burst open and Bond ran in. This left the Bond sitting on the bed in something of a dilemma.

            "Uric you…" he began, but the new Bond, his hair waving wildly was shouting over him.

            "DON'T LISTEN TO ME URIC!"

            "Of course he should listen to me. I'm giving him the best warning of his life." The new Bond glared at the Bond on the bed.

            "You know I can really be an idiot at times…He lied to us James. And we fell for it." The Bond on the bed just stared at himself, than shook his head.

            "It doesn't matter if he did. I'm supposed to do my job so unless you have a letter from the minister stating otherwise, please leave." The Bond who had burst in, stared very hard at his counterpart. Quickly, he pulled out his wand.

            "Stupefy!" Bond rolled off the bed and against Uric's legs. Uric looked down, startled. _Had his toes finally decided to leave?_

            "Get out of here Uric!" Another spell missed Bond's head by inches. "Use the time turner and remember what I told you!" Uric stared down at Bond, in his usual state of perplexion. _Was Bond letting him go?_

            "No Uric! Everything will go wrong! Stupefy!" the Bond with the wand was almost in hysterics. Unfortunately for him, Uric had pulled out the time turner and was in the process of turning it, when the spell hit him. Uric slumped forward, the time turner was jostled, and Uric disappeared.

            The new Bond stared at the old Bond and vice versa.

            "This is all you're fault!" they said simultaneously. 

*****

I never seem to manage to actually write about what I promise to write about in these chapters…Oh well.

Next Chapter: We see where and when Uric ends up, and things begin to go haywire. Did I mention the ducks?

Please review!


	6. Upside Down Ducks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Much thanks to Tidmag, Em, Thistlemeg, Giesbrecht, Bobcat Moran, Psycho Cowgirl and Mad Potter for reviewing:)

A/N: Much thanks to Tidmag, Em, Thistlemeg, Giesbrecht, Bobcat Moran, Psycho Cowgirl and Mad Potter for reviewing:)

*****

The Trial of Uric "the Oddball" Beaufolle: Excerpt Three

Orpheus Bludderdon: Now that the charges have been addressed, we may come to the sentencing. Uric Beaufolle you are hearby found guilty of all charges brought against you. This is your third time before the Council, and for many of the same charges. We have been forced to come to the conclusion that you have not learnt from your mistakes.

Chester Forthwright: It's a wonder he's ever learnt anything.

Sylvia Marsters: Chester!

Alastair Beaufolle: Yes, Chester, why don't you tell us all about your great experience with _my_ son?

Chester Forthwright: You voted with the rest of us Alastair.

Alastair Beaufolle: Uric needs restraint, not you taunting him.

Chester Forthwright: Taunting? Look at him! (Archivist's Note: It is unknown what Uric was doing at this time, though it is known that he was sitting in a chair in the middle of the Council Chambers.) He probably doesn't even know that he's on trial, much less that he's being taunted.

Sylvia Marsters: So you admit that you're taunting him Chester? How kind.

Neal Cambert: Much as I enjoy this witty repartee, can we get back to the trial?

Sylvia Marsters: Of course, Neal. As always, you are the voice of reason.

Uric Beaufolle: Where is the rest of Mr. Reason then?

Orpheus Bludderdon: Ahem, Uric, the Council has exercised its' executive rights to devise a punishment suitable for you and your crimes. Therefore, you will be placed in an inaccessible chamber with no possessions and no way of escape. There you will remain until such time as you have realized the error of your ways.

Uric Beaufolle: Can I keep my tea cozy?

Chester Forthwright: N-

Sylvia Marsters: Of course you can.

Chester Forthwright: I don't see why-

Sylvia Marsters: Shut up, Chester!

Orpheus Bludderdon: Starks, take Uric away and place him in the chamber we prepared and please inform the press that I will be making a statement.

Starks: Yes, Sir. Come on Mr. Beaufolle.

Uric Beaufolle: Cheese!

Alastair Beaufolle: Uric! Go with him!

Uric Beaufolle: Father?

Sylvia Marsters: Talk to him!

Uric Beaufolle: Father!

Alastair Beaufolle: Goodbye, Uric.

*****

            Being stupefied is like having every molecule in your body doused in a very strong painkiller, and then you are told to start tap dancing. The only consolation for the whole thing is that by the time it takes effect you are already out cold. It is said that the spell _stupefy_ was invented by a crazed witch who was being perpetually tormented by Cornish pixies who were trained to play the first chord of Beethoven's Fifth over and over again on tiny pianos. This is absurd of course, since everyone knows that Cornish pixies are immune to the _stupefy_ curse.

            Waking up from being stupefied has been rather vocally compared to a rather vicious hangover by many wizards. Unfortunately for anyone who has ever been the victim of the curse, this is an accurate description.

*****

            _Pretty stars_. _Wait. No stars. Is that a duck?_ Uric blinked and tried to get his eyes to focus. His head hurt more than that time he had fallen off of the floor. Nobody had believed him when he claimed the world was upside down that day. _Upside down…_That was it. The duck was upside down. It pulled away from him and he saw an upside down face looking at him.

"Are you alright?" Uric frowned at her. Any sane person would have realized that the reason she had an upside down duck sewn onto her jumper was because they were looking at it from upside down. Uric was just wondering where the upside down ducks lived.  The woman gazed anxiously at him, her short brown hair blowing about wildly in the blustering wind. "Do you need any help?"

"My head hurts," Uric said, still preoccupied with the upside down duck.

"Here let me see." Uric shrank away from her, frightened by the duck coming closer. "I'm a trained nurse. I won't hurt you." Uric relaxed. Her voice reminded him of his mother's when she was tucking him in at night. She checked him over quickly. "There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you. Well, excepting that tea cozy. You don't even smell like alcohol. What have you been doing?"

"Talking to-" A strange noise cut off his words. _I don't think I've ever heard a bird cry like that before…Could it be the upside down ducks?_ He sat up, his headache forgotten. He was lying on the ground outside a wall. Further down, he could see a large gate swinging open and shut in the wind. The cry came again. The woman at his side shuddered.

"What is that? It doesn't sound human," she said in a shaky voice. Uric smiled at her pleasantly.

"It's an upside down duck." He started walking towards the noise, not noticing when the woman stared at him, then got a determined look on her face.

"No. You're hurt and delirious." She hurried after him and grabbed his robe. "You can't-" Another cry was heard, this time much deeper in pitch. Uric gave the woman another of his grins and headed through the gate towards an old house that was now visible. A strange green light was emanating from one of the upper windows. The woman's hand dropped unconsciously from his clothes.

"We should leave Mr.- I don't know your name."

"Uric," he replied absently. There was something he was supposed to be remembering, but all he could think about was the strange ducks. He hurried towards the house. The woman stared after him, than reluctantly followed.

The door to the house was open, the wind blowing through the house causing it to sway back and forth. Uric bowed to the door and walked through, followed by the woman.

"Please come with me to the hospital," she pleaded. Uric started climbing some stairs, but abruptly turned to face her. He clasped her hands and stared into her eyes with an intensity that shocked her. She felt herself blushing.

"Ur-" she began, but then he spoke.

"Do you like badgers?" Uric hoped she did. He had never met a woman who wore upside down ducks before.

"Badgers?"

"Yes, badgers." He did a badger impersonation for her. She stared at the mad man making snuffling noises and decided to humor him.

"Yes, I like badgers." His face split into a huge infectious grin and she found herself grinning back. Just what had she gotten herself into? He began to climb the stairs, never letting go of her hand. They reached a landing, and walked along it, their steps muffled by a deep printed carpet. A door near the end of the corridor swung open and a green light shown out. _Did upside down ducks glow green?_ The woman dug in her heels and tried to make Uric stop.

"We shouldn't be here Uric," she said, her voice trembling with fear. Uric paused, his eyes focused on the green glow.

"What's your name?" he asked. She stared at him.

"Elizabeth, Elizabeth Stuckert," she answered out of habit. "Can we leave now?" She had an idea. "We can find some badgers." He turned to her.

"Really?" She opened her mouth to respond in the affirmative, but a low chuckle broke through the silence. She stared past Uric at a tall, dark haired boy. He was smiling grimly at them and for a second she fancied that his eyes glowed red.

"Oh yes, you won't find any badgers here. You won't find anyone living here," said the boy in a slightly crazed voice. Uric turned to look at the boy.

"Except for you," he said, slightly disappointed that it was probably the boy who had caused the green light and not the upside down ducks.

"Who says I was ever alive?" snarled the boy. He drew his wand and pointed it at them. Uric maintained a look of polite interest, though Elizabeth took as many steps back as she could without letting go of Uric's strange clothes.

"Are there upside down ducks in there?" asked Uric, gesturing towards the room the boy had just left. The boy paused and seemed to really look at the man standing before him. He took in the tea cozy and the goofy grin on the man's face, and smiled.

"You're Uric the Oddball aren't you? I've read your biography." Uric bowed to the boy. He doffed his tea cozy.

"Uric Beaufolle. Who are you? I don't think I've read your biography," he said. The boy laughed.

"I am Lord Voldemort, and soon the whole world will know my biography." The tone of his voice changed. "But for now I must remain secret, and you cannot know what happened in this house tonight."

"What did happen?" asked Elizabeth, surprised by her own boldness. Voldemort made a gesture that encompassed the whole house.

"You are standing in a coffin. A coffin for my late muggle father, and all his relatives I could find. They attempted to put up a fight, but how could a muggle ever defeat me?" It was only then that she noticed the bloody footprints that marked Voldemort's passage across the corridor. Before she could do anything, Voldemort raised his wand and pointed it at Uric.

"_Avada Kedavra_," he said, the words sounding strange to her ears. A green light issued from the stick in the man's hands. Elizabeth didn't know what was happening, but she saw the green light heading towards Uric and her nursing instincts kicked in. Time froze.

Uric stared at Lord Voldemort, a hurt look on his face. He knew that curse, even if Elizabeth hadn't. Her body slumped into his arms. He overbalanced and crashed to the ground. The time turner ground into his side. _Was that a crunch?_ He heard laughter, and then the world spun out of focus.

*****

Next chapter – a preview: "Kindly explain what you are doing in my lab and why I shouldn't curse you out of existence?" asked a sallow, hook nosed man in dark robes. "Nevermind. _Stupefy_."

I'm debating whether or not to make Snape good or evil in this alternate future…opinions are welcome…

Please review.


	7. Author's Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:

Author's Note:

As of today, I am leaving on an archaeological dig for the next six weeks. I will be without access to a computer, which means that nothing will be updated (or reviewed) until October. I'm sorry about this, but I ran out of time to write. I will be writing while I am away, but it will be the traditional way on pen and paper.

Thank you to everyone for your patience,

Ariana Deralte


	8. M' Marks the Spot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             There is a theory that for every decision we make, even for such important decisions as whether or not to have one lump of sugar or two with our tea, there is a new universe created. This has caused many problems for interdimensional travellers, especially when they are attempting to find a friend's flat in a universe that no longer exists because someone sneezed at the wrong moment ten thousand years before. Be that as it may, every one of our actions does create an entirely different universe…for at least a second. Then the universe realizes just how much work it would have to do to maintain such an elaborate network and decides to take it easy and have a glass of lemonade. You'd be surprised how often this happens.

            There is a theory that for every decision we make, even for such important decisions as whether or not to have one lump of sugar or two with our tea, there is a new universe created. This has caused many problems for interdimensional travellers, especially when they are attempting to find a friend's flat in a universe that no longer exists because someone sneezed at the wrong moment ten thousand years before. Be that as it may, every one of our actions does create an entirely different universe…for at least a second. Then the universe realizes just how much work it would have to do to maintain such an elaborate network and decides to take it easy and have a glass of lemonade. You'd be surprised how often this happens.

            Be that as it may, this universe in itself is not inviolate. Certain actions by certain people can change the past, the present and the future. These certain people are catalysts, lucky beyond all hope and twice as damned. It is unfortunate for all involved that Uric Beaufolle is one of these.

*****

            Uric looked around the room with curiosity. It looked a lot like his study at home, only without the hole in the wall and the giant paper sculpture of a newt. A long table lined one wall. A cauldron was bubbling in the middle of it, with all kinds of potions ingredients in tidy piles beside it. Two ostentatious arm chairs were clustered around the fire to Uric's left. It took him a moment to realize that they were occupied.

"Kindly explain what you are doing in my lab and why I shouldn't curse you out of existence?" asked a sallow, hook nosed man in dark robes. "Nevermind. _Stupefy_." Uric had a moment to reflect that this was quite enough petrifying for one day, thank you, before he was out cold again.

He awoke with a headache. "Badgers?" he mumbled, keeping his eyes closed. He heard, rather than saw a snarl of disgust.

"I think the stupefys addled his brains, Lucius. You might as well go," said the voice Uric remembered from the study.

"Are you sure you don't need any help, Severus?" asked another voice solicitously.

"I am perfectly capable of taking care of deranged man in a tea cozy," sneered the first voice.

"A deranged man with a dead woman in his arms. That's not something that appears in your study every day, especially since you can't apparate here," pointed out the second voice.

"Yes, that was an oversight on my part. If one could apparate here then you could leave faster. Floo powder's by the fire," said the first voice flatly. The second voice sounded amused when it spoke.

"Charming as usual, Severus. I hope for your sake, that you've lost that attitude when we face our Emperor later." There was some noise. _I wonder if you can breed cheese like people breed dogs? I'd like to see what you get when you cross a nice Cheddar with an Applewood?_

"Alright. Get up," said the first voice irritably. Uric remembered to open his eyes. He was tied to one of the arm chairs he had seen before. He frowned. _Where was __Elizabeth__?_

"Where's Elizabeth?" he asked the dark-haired wizard. The wizard – _the other one had called him Severus hadn't he?_ – Severus, gestured towards the other side of the room. Elizabeth lay on her back, her eyes open. A sadness came over Uric. _Forever open, and she wanted to find the badgers with me. _His captor didn't seem to have time for Uric's grief. He moved impatiently.

"Is she a muggle?" he finally demanded. Uric looked at the wizard, than back at Elizabeth, than back at the wizard. He wasn't sure why it mattered.

"Maybe," he said. He certainly hadn't asked. Anybody with an upside-down duck on their jumper was good enough for him. The other wizard seemed to take his answer as a yes. His dark eyes were troubled as he looked at Elizabeth.

"Where did you get her? She looks well fed. Well dressed. She doesn't have the mark either, but I found no wand on her." Uric had no idea what the wizard was talking about.

"I'm Uric Beaufolle," he said, deciding to introduce himself. He made to shake hands but only managed to shift the armchair a little. "Who are you? Where am I? When am I? What mark?" The wizard regarded him with distaste.

"I am Severus Snape and you're in my house. As for the date, it is the forty-fifth year of Emperor Voldemort's reign. As for the mark." He gestured at his own shoulder. "She should have an 'M' tattooed onto her right shoulder marking her as a muggle."

"Why?" Uric asked.

"So that all may know them on sight." Snape sounded like he was quoting someone. "All mudbloods are killed at birth so that only purebloods and muggles may live, one subject to the other forever." Uric's eyes widened. Mudblood was a very bad word, but Severus said it so casually. Uric wasn't sure if he liked the dark-haired wizard much.

"So do wizards have 'W' tattooed on their shoulders? What happens when you see a wizard doing a hand stand? Are they then considered a muggle?"

"What are you blathering about?" demanded Snape.

"The 'W' would look like an 'M' from upside down," explained Uric patiently. Snape exploded.

"Wizards don't have marks! Only Voldemort's trusted circle is marked, and then only with a secret sign of his own so that he may call us to him."

"So how does that make you any different from the muggles?" asked Uric in a puzzled tone. He had no idea how close he came to dying in that moment. Snape glared daggers at him for several minutes, but Uric had always liked staring contests and Snape had to give up after Uric rolled his eyes back inside his head for the third time in a row. The wizard threw up his hands in disgust and paced back in forth in front of Uric.

"You're not making the carpet very happy," pointed out Uric. Snape ignored him, than abruptly paced over to stand in front of him.

"How did you end up in my study?" he demanded. Uric told him. Everything. Starting with his birth and moving onward. Snape listened surprisingly patiently, but then many people over the years had found Uric's voice strangely compelling. It was a voice you could listen to for hours until you finally went mad and it started to make sense. Snape turned in horror to stare at the young woman lying dead on his carpet when Uric was finished.

Her death had done something. What would have happened if she hadn't died? He remembered a Sirius Black from his days at Hogwarts, but no James Potter. All the Potters had been 'disappeared' soon after Voldemort came to power. An abrupt stab of pain in his arm brought his musings to a hault. He ground his teeth in annoyance. Attending at the Emperor's court was considered an honour by many. Severus would have given up the honour in second, if it meant a few more hours of peace, but he had to go and not just for himself. He stared hard at the man before him.

"I'm going to let you up out of the chair. Touch, or destroy anything in my lab and you die," he threatened. Uric didn't seem to understand the threat, but Severus let him up anyway. The pain in his arm was becoming more insistent. "Tell no one what you told me. When I get back, we'll decide what to do with you." He locked the door and took the key with him, than hurried to the fireplace. He hoped the Emperor was in a good mood tonight.

*****

I have to admit that this story has taken a turn towards the dark, but a future with Voldemort in power is bleak indeed. Darkness really doesn't lend itself to humour so I apologize if the chapters with Voldemort aren't as funny as the earlier chapters.

Thanks to all my reviewers:)

Please review. I like to know what people think:)


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